Breaking News: PGA Tour Declares Bankruptcy

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Citing a collapse of the pension fund, and the loss of five major sponsors in one week, PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem has announced that the Tour will file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy protection.

“After seeing what the Obama administration has done to the automobile industry, we have rejected offers of bailout money,’ Finchem said. “We can’t afford to have someone who knows nothing about the golf industry running the TOUR. We’ll take our chances in court.”

Finchem perhaps is forgetting that Osama clearly established his golf business credentials by playing a round of golf in Hawaii.

Finchem’s announcement should come as no surprise to even the most casual golf observer. The Tour is heavily invested in the financial and golf industries, who sponsor half of the Tour’s regular season events.  With the heat taken by Northern Trust for sponsoring the tournament formerly known as the LA Open, other financial corporations are backing out of tournaments as fast as they can.

“We thought we could weather the storm,” Finchem said. “But the extended downturn in the golf economy caused by Tiger’s broken leg was more than we could handle.

Professor P.D.Q. Keynes, an economist at Michigan State pointed out that—just as the American auto industry had based its business model on manufacturing big trucks and SUVs—the Tour erred with its heavy reliance on a single player.

“The auto industry was fine as long as gas prices were low. But when prices shot up and credit tightened, they found themselves on the brink. They had failed to diversify. The TOUR’s reliance on Woods is no different. Finchem failed to plan for the future and diversify,” Keynes said.

Indications from Washington are that the breaking point in negotiations over a bailout was the Obama administrations’ insistence that Finchem suffer the same fate as GM Chair Rick Wagoner. It’s thought that Finchem’s replacement would be ACORN President Maude Hurd. An unnamed Obama administration official said that

” … since the PGA Tour touts itself as a charitable organization, Hurd’s experience as a community organizer would be invaluable in running the TOUR.”

Updates to come …

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Breaking News: PGA Tour Declares Bankruptcy”

  1. Had me through the second paragraph when I remembered what the date was.

    But where government and sports meet, I have been wondering why the government doesn’t tax sports figures at that 90% rate they are talking about.  A whole bunch of stadiums and arenas are built using some federal funds – and teams get tax breaks in various cities.  It seems like it is the public’s money- lets tax Tiger at 90% for everything over $250k he makes.  He should be comfortable enough.

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  2. Nice April Fools joke, I have wondered for a while how the PGA keeps getting sponsors for the big events. I guess that it is still a viable marketing opportunity for these large companies. At least Tiger is back now and that should keep people watching and sponsors paying.

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