If Golf Was Scored Like Olympic Figure Skating

If Golf Was Scored Like Olympic Figure Skating …

Jim Nantz: So it’s come down to this: the seventy second hole of The Masters, with Tiger Woods and Jim Furyk tied for the lead. Lets see what the players are planning for us …

David Feherty: (in an almost incomprehensible Irish accent)  For his final hole, Tiger has chosen to play “Pampas.” It’s a 365 yard par 4—not the most difficult hole on the course.

Nantz: Its obvious that Tiger knows that he’s the judges’ favorite and has decided to take the conservative route. Right now, it’s his Masters to lose and he knows that.

Feherty: Tiger’s using a 4 iron off the tee. Again, not a very challenging choice, but I can see what his strategy is.

[Tiger slices the four iron down the right side of the fairway and it rolls into the second cut]

Feherty: The ball’s landing zone wasn’t quite where he had choreographed it, but you have to think that in the end, the judges will subtract a stroke for that follow through. In many judges’ minds, I’m sure he’ll be sitting 0 on the next shot. There isn’t anyone in golf who can hold a pose like that.

Lanny Wadkins: It looks good on television, too, with Tiger’s costume choice. The red on a Sunday is a crowd pleaser, and the judges will notice that. Furyk, on the other hand, may have made a mistake with that loose, short-sleeve button up shirt. It almost looks home-made. He’ll lose some favor there.

Nantz: And over on Pink Dogwood, we find Furyk preparing to play the 575 yard par 5.

Wadkins: Jim Furyk knows that Tiger’s style is favored by the judges, so he’s decided to try to make it up in the degree of difficulty

[Furyk takes out a driver and rips it down the middle of the fairway]

Wadkins: it was a beautiful shot, but the judges are sure to add something for his unorthodox swing.

[For his second shot, Tiger has hit into a bunker just off the left side of the green]

Feherty: I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I think he was deliberately aiming at that bunker.

Nantz: It’s evident that Stevie has told him about Furyk’s decision to play Pink Dogwood, and he’s decided to increase his own level of difficulty. But let’s take a break right now, while we “Get Up Close And Personal” with Tiger Woods.

[A bubblegum documentary runs for the 15th time. Meanwhile, Furyk has ripped a three wood down the middle of the fairway to around 125 out. Nobody actually sees it on television.]

Wadkins [announcing from Furyk’s new spot about 125 out] I think that Jim is hoping that the judges are going to overlook his style, and focus on how well he has executed the shots on this very difficult par 5. But I don’t see it happening, By my count, he has had at least two strokes added for that loop he has at the top of his swing.

[The camera takes us back to Tiger, who is in the bunker. The ball is buried in the fluffly white sand.]

Feherty: Well, he got what he was hoping for. This ball is buried and in the side of the bunker. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a shot with a degree of difficulty like that. The judges have GOT to take that into consideration.

[Tiger balances with one leg in the bunker, and the other in the grass on the top. He takes a whack, and the ball pops out and just to the edge of the green.]

Feherty: I can’t believe it. The degree of creativity and imagination just staggers the mind. I need a drink!

[Meanwhile, Furyk has dropped a wedge just beyond the hole It spins, backs up and rolls back into the hole. Birdie]

Wadkins: it was a terrific shot, but I think he made it look too easy. I just hope that the judges recognize the beauty of that moment.

Nantz:  I think you’ve got to question Furyk’s strategy here. Two shots from the middle of the fairway just isn’t what the judges are going to be looking for. He’s taken away whatever advantage playing the more difficult hole would have given him.

[Tiger two putts for a bogey.]

Nantz: Well, its all up to the judges now. Furyk has had a nearly flawless hole, but the judges are sure to add strokes for the lack of creativity and his unorthodox swing. Tiger didn’t have as good a hole, but he is the judge’s favorite and should get a stroke or two subtracted for style and the imagination he showed on the bunker shot.

Bobby Clampett: I think that you have to look to the South African judge here. He’s known to get excited by good bunker play.

[Cut to shot of the South African Judge. Gary Player has a frown on his face]

Verne Lundquist: The Australian judge favors power, but the American judge is a no nonsense kind of guy—all that mattered to him was scoring. Furyk may get some sympathy from him.]

[Cut shot to Greg Norman and Jack Nicklaus]

Nantz; Well, here are the results for Tiger.

[One by one, the judges hold up their cards. A “5”, a “3” and a “2”]

Nantz: Wow. Its hard to believe that the South African gave him a two for that effort. I guess it shows the power of being the favorite coming in. Now for Furyk’s score.

[The judges show a “4”, a “5” and a “7.” Furyk’s caddy goes berserk and starts tossing the clubs around. Furyk sits in stunned silence.]

Nantz: So Woods wins the 2022 Masters. But there’s sure to be an investigation into this one. The South African’s judges scores are just too far out of line. There have been rumors about his involvement with New Zealand mobsters …

If Golf Were Scored Like Olympic Figure Skating first appeared on GolfBlogger.Com

2 thoughts on “If Golf Was Scored Like Olympic Figure Skating”

  1. OMG!  We are already half way there!  They do show those documentaries and leave off the other competitors to feature Tiger.  There is so much truth to this post of yours.  I just hope I don’t have to learn two new scoring systems.  I’ve given up trying to figure out the figure skating scoring.

  2. Nice!

    Left out (mercifully):

    1) Commentary on their apparel and golf bags.

    2) Numerous close up shots of their coach(es).

    3) Lesley Visser and Tracy Wolfson specially brought in for the occasion.

    4) Numerous cut-aways to the galleries.

    5) Even more numerous cut-aways to the families – or lack thereof.


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