People You Don’t Want To Play Behind

People You Don’t Want To Play Behind

Fortunately, a majority of the rounds I play progress at an enjoyable pace – especially on my home course. In my golf travels this past summer, however, I’ve run across some real doozies — players and groups who turned a round into a five hour slog. Here are a few archetypes.

The foursome playing from the back tees because they “want to see all of the course.” They get their wish. They see all of the course to the left of the fairway, and to the right, and much of the woods. They often fail, however, to experience the fairways.

Related: The guys who, consistently hitting it 180 off the tee, wait for the greens to clear 300 yards away before hitting their second shot.

Also related: The guys who wait for the green to clear 200 yards away before attempting to punch the ball out of the trees. That never works as intended.

Four guys playing a two-dollar Nassau. Every putt takes an eternity, because a loss apparently means one of them doesn’t eat that night.

Fishermen. They can’t pass a pond or creek without getting out their poles to find used balls. They can afford to pay greens fees, but not for balls.

The guy with two kids in his cart who thinks they are cute, letting them run all over the course, smash turf with Daddy’s clubs and roll balls around on the green — all while groups are waiting in the fairway and on the tee.

Drunks. Their game and their playing speed deteriorate as the round progresses. And then somewhere around the sixteenth hole, one of the drunks looks back at the two groups glaring at them from the tee, decides that their body language is insufficiently deferential and gives them the finger.

Related: The group that — having obviously had too much to drink — decides to hold a contest to see who can throw a ball over a pond to the green. It takes longer than it should for one to actually accomplish the feat because they are unsteady on their feet.

The group with the player (or players) who consistently take six practice swings and then chunk the ball fifty yards. They then feel the need to put on an angry display to show the two groups waiting behind that this is not their usual game.

The couple: He is obviously trying to impress her by playing from the back tees and then giving loud excuses for why he hasn’t striped one 300 yards down the middle. Everyone in the two groups waiting behind them can hear the excuses. None of the excuses are good.

She is a beginner, and every time she mishits a shot, he tosses another ball from the cart for her to try again. And then another. And sometimes a fourth.

Players who just. can’t. pull. the. trigger.

The indecisive. Every shot requires three or four return trips to the cart for a different club.

The bag rearranger. After every shot, the bag at the back of the cart is somehow out of sorts and time must be spent rearranging all the clubs.

The tee dancers. The music blaring from their carts is so compelling that they must perform a dance on every tee instead of efficiently teeing off. The groups waiting behind marvel at their boogie skills.

The club flinger. It takes time to recover a club on every other hole. They should take the advice of “Terrible” Tommy Bolt, and fling the club in the direction of the hole to save time.

Cart jockeys. Players for whom the principal attraction of the sport is not the clubs and balls, but the carts. Accordingly, they try to find ways to maximize the amount of miles they can drive on the round.

The deliberately, selfishly slow. They are fully aware that there are people waiting, but dang it, they paid for that round, and will take all the time they want, even if it means misery for other people who also paid for that round.

Do you recognize any of these? Do you have any to add to the list?