The Golf Gods

Here’s an extremely funny bit from over on rec.sports.golf. Thanks to Manna Pheuwards for posting it:

Golf is a game ruled by the mythical Gods of Golf. Here is an incomplete list of who they are.

The Major Golf Gods: The God of the Water, The God of the Sand, and the God of the Trees.

The Minor Golf Gods: The Fairway God, The Wind God, and The God of the Green and the God of the Rough.

Golf Demons:

The Hole Demon: The cause of lipped out puts.

The Squirrel Demon: Closely associated with the God of the trees. The Squirrel demon is a pest and parasite to the God of the Trees and as such the God of the Trees sucks in balls to kill Squirrel Demons. Sometimes the balls bounce out, sometimes they ricochet into the netherworld.;

The Cart Path Demon: An interesting creature, who sometimes makes drives much longer than normal and other times kicks balls into the netherworld, but in the end always exacts a price… a seriously scuffed ball.

The Rules Demon: Break the rules, he makes you pay.

The Tee Demon: He causes you to accidentally bump your ball off the tee. If you don’t pull the tee out of the ground and re-tee the ball, he then insures a bad shot.

The Rock Demon: Generates hidden rocks at the point of impact to damage your expensive club.

Fairies: Despite populare opinon, Fairies do exist in the game of golf, but are rarely encountered. The most prevalent are the water fairy who magically allows balls to skip across water like a stone to land, the sand fairy, who causes balls to skip out of bunkers, the wood fairy who causes balls to ricochet off trees into the perfect position, and the hole fairy who battles with the Hole Demon and occasionally wins allowing a potential
lip out to do a 360 and fall in the hole.

Any time a fairy appears and assists you, it must be thanked. Otherwise it will die. Please thank your Fairies, we can’t have them go extinct.

The Gods of Golf require sacrifices on a regular basis. Brand new balls and tees are their most regular diet, but an occasional club doesn’t hurt. IF HOWEVER, you find an unbroken tee or a another ball, YOU MUST accept the gift, as it is a gift from the Gods of Golf, even if the gift is inferior to the to previous sacrifices. If you reject the gift, then you risk the wrath of the Gods which could include the loss of many more balls and tees as well as the complete release of their demons against you!

Understand the Gods of Golf are wrathful, selfish and unpredictable. If they screw up your game it is YOUR FAULT because of some unknown transgression. However, if they bless you with a good shot or good round, YOU MUST thank the Gods for allowing you the round. To do otherwise risks a season of high scores.

Finally, all the Gods of Golf are ruled by the Supreme God: CHAOS. And who the hell knows what he will do on any given day.

For more golf jokes, see the humor category.